Below is a list of questions I have received and the answers I have given (all anonymous). I will sporadically update this page with recent questions and answers. I do not promise they are the correct answers, only that they are my answers. If you have a question that you would like me to answer email me at: mkobach@umail.iu.edu
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-Stand up straight, carry yourself confidently, wear something you know you look good in, make eye contact, gently touch her arm if she says something funny or interesting, offer your arm when walking, leave your phone in your pocket, skip the movie and get a drink instead, take her to a place were you are likely to bump into people you know, and make sure to mention that you love your mother.
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-Any advice for a guy on a first date?
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-If he says offending things, you are going to get offended, there is no way to undo it. They only way is to talk to him about it. But don't be hostile, and let him save face. Say something like: "I'm sure you don't mean to do this, as you are a nice guy, but some of the things you say offend me. It would really mean a lot to me if you could take it easy on some of those things." Give him a reputation to live up to, never get angry, stay calm the entire time, and let him save face (i.e., make it sound like what he does isn't some huge thing he needs to change). Let him know how to change the problem and that its actually easy to do (i.e., all you have to do is stop saying x things in front of me, no biggie), and make it sound like its just as much your fault as it is his (even if its not true). Keep in mind that this isn't about being right, it is about changing his behavior.
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--> -There is no point in wishing for something you can’t change. Instead you should use him as a guide for how to live your life. For example, what would he want you to do? How would he want you to act? I can assure you that he would want you to be happy, so you owe it to him to do your best to make that happen (which will take effort given your current circumstance). I have never gone through what you did, and I can't imagine how it would feel. But I have to assume that once the sadness becomes more background than foreground you will become better at finding ways to be happy again.
-How can I prevent myself from wanting to kill my coworker? He says inappropriate things, interrupts my meetings, makes sexual comments, brags about his old high school football day, etc. What should I do, can I just ignore him?
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-My boyfriend died unexpectedly, and I wish I could have told him I loved him one last time. What should I do?
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-What kind of shoes are appropriate for business casual?
-I can assume that what you are really asking is: "do I have to wear dress shoes?" In today’s current culture men's shoes have become a subtle way to express oneself in otherwise fashion-restricting situations. As long as you aren't wearing beat up tennis shoes or sandals you should be okay. That is to say, a pair of fashionable sneakers should be about as casual as you get (depending on your personality and whether or not you have them “dressed up” with nicer clothes).
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-I have a special lady friend. We work (and live) together. She likes to deal with her problems by talking about them. By that, I mean that she needs to vent, not hear my advice about what I think she should do or what might be a practical idea to address the situation.
I, on the other hand, deal with work stress by coming home and relaxing. While I relax, I take my mind as far from work as possible (music, beer, good tv/movies, etc). Hearing her vent while I try to relax is inefficient for her needs and a bother to me as I try to drink beer and listen to chill tunes.
What is the solution to this catch 22?
-It really depends on how special this lady friend is. If she is someone that you want in your life going forward, then you have to bite the bullet and listen to her vent. And when I say listen, I mean, you know, actually listen. At some point in every person’s life there should come a time when they switch the focus from “how can I make my life better?” to “how can I make the lives of the people around me better?” A selfless man will give without the expectation of anything in return, and will be thankful for anything he gets from others. However, this is a difficult way to live a life, as we can often slip back into our selfish ways (and is something I struggle with everyday).
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-I am becoming an alcoholic. Or I am one already. Whatever. I sneak drinks behind my girlfriend’s back, with great success and ease. I am finally ready to quit drinking, and know that her support will help me.
However, I am concerned about telling her about how I’ve been sneaking drinks, for fear that this news will hurt her. We’ve lived together a while now. I’ve basically been lying to her for 2 years.
Should I go with full disclosure, or just try to change and keep the secret to myself?
-You have a tough road ahead. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself (and I am not even going to get into the alcohol-dependent related issues just yet):
Do you see a future with this girl?
Will her support be crucial for your success?
Does she understand your drinking problems?
If you answer “yes” to these questions then in my opinion you need to tell her the truth about your behavior; if “no” then who cares? This situation is less telling about your honesty (or lack thereof), and more telling about how deep you were/are into an alcohol problem. She likely won't take the news well, but should be happy that you are finally being honest with yourself and her. If it really upsets her, give her sometime to “cool off”, she should be more willing to accept the information at a later time. If she is unable to get over the fact that you lied, then she will likely only impede your process.
Also, you are going to need help outside of her alone. You should be searching the Internet ASAP to find local communities that will assist in the process (most people fluff AA, ideally there would be other options, but it usually is the only game in town).
Further, to get this jump-started you are going to need to “shock” your system. What i mean by this is that you are going to have to completely change how you live your life. You will need new hobbies (golf, painting, a dog, hiking, etc.), and, I cannot stress this one enough: EXERCISE! You need to be exercising like you never have before. At least an hour a day, and you are going to have to push yourself further than you think you can go. Think of exercise in two ways:
1) It helps ease the mind and curb cravings
2) You will be accomplishing physical feats you never thought you could, and that is a good life lesson for overcoming this drinking.
This is a very difficult process, and it is important to have people around that can support you.
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-So my current gf has an ex husband that doesn’t want to be an ex. He is cramping my style and drives me and my gf crazy. Is she worth the hassle??
-I don't know if she is worth the hassle, but this is a no-win situation if you get involved. It is up to the gf to make it clear to the ex that he is still an ex, and that that's all he will ever be.
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-We purchased a home last summer. We love it and plan to stay for many years. Assuming limited finances, is it wiser to invest in practical, yet inessential household upgrades, or in landscaping including privacy trees?
-If you plan to stay awhile invest in landscaping. You will see a bigger return on that investment when you do move. If you plan on staying a while your upgrades will likely be outdated when you are looking to sell. Also, the sooner you do the landscaping, the more time your yard will have to “grow” (i.e., give young trees more time to mature).
